I am first and foremost a child of God, then a wife, mother, daughter, and sister. If you would have met me 20-25 years ago you would have guessed that I would be an attorney. I was a great manipulator. Maybe a sales person . . . I could talk anyone into anything (and did) . . . or maybe a drug dealer to support my habit. I am looking forward to my 20-year high school reunion next year. I want people to notice the change in me and ask me why? "Why," would be only because of the grace of Jesus.

When I was 13 years old my mom was diagnosed with a rare disease, unique only to my family in the United States. My grandfather died from this disease and eventually it took my aunt also.

I was "protected" from the news of this disease by well meaning family who told me my mom had cancer and would get better. Within a year and a half my mother was in a nursing home in a vegitative state and my brother and I were shipped off to Alaska to live with my father. (My life up until then had been in Vermont only). I remember my mom was in a nursing home in Vermont, I hated being in Alaska, and my dad worked hard on the North Slope. We barely saw him. We fought being here in Alaska very hard. So, after a year, my dad relented and let us go home. Where was home? Many foster care homes. My family was too screwed up to take us in, and my brother and I together were quite a handful.

The last time I saw my mom alive was on my prom night. I walked in her room with my prom date and she silently cried when she saw me. I introduced her to my date, gave her a kiss and told her I loved her, wiping her tears away. That night was bitter sweet. No, my mom didn't die that night, but it was that night that I realized the doctors were wrong. My mom did recognize me. She wasn't a vegetable.

Let me back up to say that although my grandfather was an Episcopalian priest, we were not Christians. We went to church on Holidays . . . mostly with my dad to the Catholic Church. Occasionally we would attend an event at my grandfather's church. God was a big wish granter in the sky who made miracles. All I knew is that He blessed those he loved and punished the rest of us. Until this point my only prayers had been for him to make me skinny, grow my hair overnight and make Shawn Cassidy fall instantly in love with me. Now it was serious time, I prayed every day since my mom was diagnosed, and when I learned the truth of her disease in Alaska, I prayed even more. The night my mother died was May 27, 1985. That was the night I turned from God. Since then God has used my mother's illness, death, and my life in foster care to help many others in similar situations. Never would I have dreamed He would turn her death into good, but He did exactly that.

Having been rejected (or feeling) rejected by my family members; being put in foster care; having mom die; then my grandma die; I felt like everyone who loved me left. I went wild. Started partying; lying; stealing. I was quite the party girl, and everyone knew to have fun, call me. Then I fell in love and got pregnant. A voice inside me told me to wake up, get smart, get a job and live a decent life.

Looking back I see God's hand over and over again in my life. My daughter was born at not quite 5 months at 1 lb. 13 oz. She was a miracle. Most babies don't live at that weight. Her lungs weren't developed, and most babies in that condition have long term illness or disabilities. My daughter was released from the hospital at 3 lbs. 3 weeks after she was born. She was so tiny, we bought cabbage patch preemie clothes to bring her home in.

My love affair with her dad faded (in his eyes). He left me. I stalked him. I was obsessed. He couldn't leave me too! I was desperate; did crazy things to keep him and was eventually admitted to a loony hospital. I tried to commit suicide 3 times. Every doctor said it was a miracle I lived and came out sane. (Although some of you would disagree with them).

In DC, in the 3rd psyche ward, I made some good friends, whom moved in with me when I was discharged. They were not so much crazy as they were crack heads. I thought I could help them. On September 12,1989, my 21st birthday they introduced me to a force that overtook my life. The world of crack.

You wouldn't believe the situations I put my daughter and myself in. I was shot at; sold all my daughter's, mine and my dad's belongings; and did things I never want to think about. Drugs consumed me so much, I barely remembered that I had a year old daughter who lived in the middle of it.

On a Christmas eve, I was in the streets looking for drugs when I came home to my apartment. I realized I had forgotten that my daughter was in the apartment alone. I remember staring at my reflection in the mirror and asking God to take me and give my daughter a better life. I smoked my crack and waited. Nothing. My daughter woke up the next morning and came running from her room. I was still at the table waiting. She was laughing and excited about Christmas. She hugged me, and kept singing . . . and it was just like that, I snapped out of it! I packed a diaper bag, went to the car, and drove 18 hours to my grandmother's, where I stayed clean. She taught me how to be a mother.

Miracle #3: Almost all crack addicts go through terrible withdrawal. (I have since been around many others with this problem and hope that I helped them also; just knowing that I walked that path, but am now clean and forgiven). Most of them go back to it. I never have. God delivered me from that.

I chased my daughter's dad for a while longer; even was thrown in jail. I lost custody of my daughter, and the day the judge gave her to her father, I was a broken woman. Her dad walked out of the court with his attorney and told me if I never contacted him again and moved to Alaska, he would hand her over. I agreed, and that's what I did.

Miracle #4: Its at that time that I met a very special woman. She worked at a bank, and we met while cashing a check. She offered me a place to live. I remember leaving the bank thinking she was nuts. She knew nothing about me, yet was willing to take me and my daughter, who she had never met. She told me she was a Christian, and I instantly thought "square" and blew her off. That whole day something said to go over. I did. She went over some rules, and I moved in that next day. That is where I met the man who introduced me to my Savior: my husband.

We would talk for hours on the phone; about God and how He can change our lives. While talking to my future husband, I fell in love (or as he puts it, I became obsessed). I pursued him relentlessly, starting with going to church. That meant I could ride with him and see him more. He loved my daughter, so he immediately said yes every time I would ask him for a ride.

The problem was my husband didn't fall in love with me. So, I fell back into my old habits of manipulation and lies, tricking him into caring about me and eventually marrying me. I thought, "This God thing works! He gave me my husband." That was the enemy deceiving me. My husband was so unhappy. He is a bright guy, and it didn't take him long to figure out my lies. I knew he would leave me like my family, foster families, mom, grandma and former husband. I did everything I could think of to try and make him love me, but nothing worked. So, I decided to test him and his faith.

I was the ultimate nightmare of a wife; mean, angry, ugly, disrespectful, lazy, dishonest. Well, he hated me all right, but he stayed with me. That intrigued me. Every night for almost 3 years I listened to him pray to God to help him learn to love me. It was torture, but it was a wakeup call. He truly believed if he called on God, and obeyed His word, it would be okay. His witness of forgiveness, grace, and perseverance inspired me. I wanted what he had. No, he wasn't at peace with our marriage, but that's because I let the enemy in constantly . . . but he had faith.

I started counseling and then being discipled by our pastor's wife, and I discovered the one person that would never abandon me. Not my husband, but Jesus Christ. I finally felt like I had something to live for . . . someone who would love me even though I was the ultimate sinner. (Your hair would curl if you knew the details!)

God forgave me even though I hated myself. God isn't going to get tired of me. God isn't going to die. And, He is the only one who will ever have all the right answers. The day I died to my fears and myself was the day I began living.

Shortly after this took place, I noticed my husband stopped praying his nightly prayer. I was concerned . . . like he gave up . . . but then I noticed there was something different between us. My husband and I have been through so much: hate, love, lies, truth, the births of our children, and the death of one. I now have no doubt of his love for me. I see it whenever I look in his eyes or see his smile. Better than that, what I have with my husband is the ultimate love story of all time. My husband introduced me to the love of my life: my Lord and Savior.

Trust me. If God can forgive the sin I was living, He can forgive yours too. I am in no way fixed to perfection, but I am healed by grace. Its probably you who can't forgive your sin on your own . . . that's why its so awesome to not ever have to be alone again!

-- A member of Journey Christian Church

I grew up in a Christian home, a minister's home in fact. And to be honest I really don't ever remember not believing in Jesus Christ or the Bible because it was such a part of my life. I'm very grateful to my parents and the many positive Christian examples I had around me growing up. When I was still a child I chose to confess Jesus as my Lord and Savior and be baptized.

When I look back over my life probably my greatest faith struggle came during my teenage years while growing up in a large church. The Senior Minister of the church at that time made some morally bad decisions and as a result lost his position. Watching this occur in the life of someone I respected so much had a huge impact on me and hurt me deeply. Within a short period of time following this event, I watched as four more people whom I loved and respected fell in one way or another-some leaving the faith entirely. I learned the hard way that, even though I could look to many for a positive role model, many others would disappoint me and let me down. I learned a valuable lesson during those years that the only thing I could ever be sure of was Jesus!

In the midst of this I played soccer for my high school and was faced with many questions regarding my faith from my non-believing soccer coach. As we practiced drills my coach would quiz me in front of the team with questions such as: How can a loving God send people to hell? How can you believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven? What about the person who has never heard about Jesus? What happens to them? Doesn't evolution prove that God isn't really the Creator? Don't misunderstand me-- he wasn't just trying to pick a theological "fight". He was honestly searching for answers and thought a "preacher's kid' would know. I gave the best answers that I could at the time and would often go home and ask my Dad about these issues. Over time, the questions my coach had asked me seemed to develop into my own personal time of doubt and I found myself questioning the very faith I had so adamantly stood for in high school.

During college I continued to wrestle with them. The primary question for me was "What if I had been born into a Hindu or Muslim home? Would I also be a dedicated Hindu or Muslim, just as I currently was of my parent's faith? In an attempt to answer that question, I did some personal research on Jesus in comparison to other religious leaders. I examined some of their claims and found that Jesus was the only one who claimed to have lived a sinless life. And even more compelling was that those who were closest to him also supported the belief that he was sinless! Most importantly, however, I became convinced by the evidence that Jesus walked out of his own grave just as He predicted he would. This brief time of doubt in college only served to solidify my convictions and belief in Jesus Christ and as a result I have never looked back or doubted my decision to follow him.

Eventually I felt like God was calling me to go into the ministry. While in seminary I served a church in Kentucky and following graduation moved to Indiana where I was the Associate for a year and Senior Minister for 7 years. Today I am thrilled to be involved in planting Journey Christian Church and am blessed as I watch God work in the lives of those who attend. I have also been blessed with a wife and four delightful children-all of whom I learn from and am challenged by on a daily basis. I've found Jesus to be a faithful friend who continually calls me out of my comfort zone and challenges me to take risks and grow in my faith. I can hardly wait to see what lies ahead!

-- Derek Dickinson

I was raised in a single parent Christian home. I went to a private school and considered myself a Christian by the third grade. I was surrounded by people in the faith my whole life, and was surprised when I met people who did not believe in Jesus.

In the middle of the fifth grade I was placed in the local public school and hated it. I was disgusted with the quality of everything in the school, especially in the classroom. I was for the first time in my life surrounded by people who were not Christians. I did not like it and was uncomfortable with the whole situation. I was incredibly bored with school and ended up skipping most of the sixth grade. I was a new seventh grader in the middle of the year and was labeled as a "smart one." I really disliked that and was having a hard time with family conflicts. Instead of turning toward God I ran to drugs and alcohol.

I was a daily drinker and drug user from the start. I left early for school everyday to get high and to plan how to stay high all day. I was twelve years old and totally out of control. I drank hard liquor, popped many pills, and smoked pot constantly. After almost two years of this lifestyle I wanted to die. My mother and my best friend told me that I was an alcoholic. I laughed, my mom was a prude in my book and my friend was a crank head, so they were both disqualified to give me any input. Yet for some reason those comments really irked and ate at me. I was done with life and did not have hope for a future. In a desperate moment I asked God for help and I felt a peace that I had not felt for a long time. I felt that maybe everything was not so hopeless.

I found new friends and started going to church. I went to youth group, but felt different from the kids there. I did not feel like I belonged and that peace slowly began to fade. I felt crazy all the time. I tried very hard to stay away from drugs and alcohol, but if I ended up some place where it was available to me I used them. I heard someone share their story of drug and alcohol use, that they were an alcoholic and that they were now sober. I was ecstatic because I had not ever related to someone so much and I figured that now I knew what my problem was there was something that could be done about it.

I told a friend who introduced me to someone who went to AA. I went to a meeting that Thursday and though everyone in that room was more than 10 years my senior, I felt at home. I thought that I had a chance now to someday be happy. It took working through the steps and learning about God for me to feel better. At first God to me was the God I grew up with in the Bible. After developing many friends in the program I began to learn that they did not have the same view of God that I did. I really started to wonder if what I believed was true, why did all these people recover from alcoholism and have their prayers answered if we were not praying to the One and Only True God?

This began a long, hard road of discovering God. I began reading books about other religions, but always felt that what I was reading was wrong or bad. I wrote it off to being brain washed and kept on my way. I studied Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Hare Krishna, and Wicca. At one point or another I considered myself all of these religions and then finally a basic new-ager.

I was very promiscuous in college, and got myself into some bad situations. At 21 I moved in with a guy and became engaged. It was soon apparent that my fiance was not going to be able to stay sober, and that I needed to get out of the relationship. Shortly after coming to that conclusion I found out that I was pregnant. I really did not know what to do. I felt trapped and was mad for getting myself and my baby into such a mess.

I stayed engaged to this guy even though I knew that I could not marry him. I just did not know what to do. I went to visit some friends and there was an old boyfriend there. I realized when I saw him that I was in love with him, not the guy I was engaged to and pregnant with his child. I wanted to talk to him and let him know how I felt but didn't. Two weeks later he died in a car accident.

My fiance wanted to get married before we had the baby. I was torn between what seemed right and what I thought would work. We did not marry — thank God. Everything in and around my daughter being born was difficult. We had a two day labor, c-section and she had to be rushed to another hospital with an infant ICU. I had to wait two days to see her again. I thought I had it rough, but it was just the beginning.

I started working as a live in nanny shortly after my daughter was born. Her father and I were kind of off and on, kind of like his drug use. My daughter was a very demanding baby and I needed help. When she was three months old her eyes were looking really odd so I took her to the doctor to see what was wrong. He did not give a diagnosis, but sent us in to get some blood work done. Everything came back normal, but I was sure that something was wrong so I took her to the hospital. Cat scans were done and Child Protective Services was called. There was an investigation and my precious daughter was placed into foster care. She saw four doctors and none of them came to a conclusion as to what happened. I was asked all kinds of questions and after two extremely long months she was back with me. I had home visits for about a year and then was given full custody of my daughter.

This started a long trip of hating God and most people. Even though my daughter was back, it didn't change that she was gone. I prayed for other people but not for myself for two years. I was a walking time bomb. You could not believe the anger I was carrying. One day I opened the fridge and there was alcohol in there and for the first time in 8 years it looked really good. I felt God say, "Get right with me or you will use again." The last thing I wanted was to be a drunk mother. I loved my little lady too much and did not want to give her that kind of life.

I did some basic things I had learned in the program to get on track. I was still angry all the time though. I did not know what to do with the anger, and I had to do something cause it was consuming me. I went to a puja which is a Hindu worship ceremony. I talked to the leader and he gave me a mantra to say everyday. I did it everyday for two weeks and at the end of those two weeks I found myself able to pray for myself! It was wonderful. I was slowly seeking God again. I was starting to see that there were some very special things about Christianity that are not present in other religions. I did not like that at first because the last thing I wanted was to be one of those close minded, judgmental Christians!

I was 25 and dating a 19 year old (right). I was becoming more and more sure that what the Bible said was right. I knew that I was doing things that God did not approve of and did not want to stop. I went to visit an old friend who used to swap Buddhist books with me but had become a Christian. He came into my room looking very nervous, he was shaking! I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Bernie, you know I would not be coming to talk to you about this unless God was asking me to right?" I am not sure I knew what he was talking about but I said yeah. He proceeded to tell me that God loved me and that I needed to turn my life over to Jesus. I told him that I knew that and had been thinking about it lately. He was very surprised and glad. He wanted to know what was stopping me.

I have to tell you now before I say why, that looking back my reason was so lame! I was having sex with my boyfriend and I knew God was not for that and I did not want to give it up. So my wonderful friend told me not to worry about that to accept Christ and he would change my heart. So I prayed to accept Jesus into my heart and to forgive me of my sins with my ex Buddhist friend! We are still friends today and I am so grateful that he listened to God and talked to me even though he was scared.

I started to feel really guilty when I was with my boyfriend. I prayed for God to take the relationship away from me because I just could not walk away. He did and it was very painful. I wanted nothing to do with males and at the same time I wanted a husband to support me so that I could stay home with my daughter.

I kept this whole accepting Christ a secret, especially with my mom. I knew that she had been praying for me for years, and I did not want to disappoint her. I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to turn away from God again or something. Shortly after I told her I started to get active in my church, was baptized, and wonderful things began to happen. I was growing really fast. I was reading my Bible everyday and would email questions that I had to my pastor who quickly answered. God put it on my heart to tithe and I did. Every time I did I was blessed. I learned that not only will God provide for those who obey, but he overloads us with great gifts. I started tithing as a single mother who lived with her mother and the county paid for my child's day care to a single mother making double the average salary for the county that I lived in within a year! I never imagined that we would be provided for so well, it seemed too far out of reach but as Matthew 19:26b states, "With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

During all this growing I started praying for a husband that I did not have to date (cause I wanted nothing to do with men), loved my daughter as much as I did, and who would make enough money to enable me to stay home with my daughter. I shared this prayer request with my mom and she thought I was off my rocker. I am not easily deterred when I have my mind set on something so on I went with this request. I prayed about it for about a year and then met my husband. He was out on a business trip, so we went out for a week and then he went back home. We phoned, emailed, and flew back and forth to visit for about three months before we decided one of us had to move to see if we were going to get married. I was blessed with a wonderful job (that high paying one in the last paragraph and I was allowed to take my dog to work too!) in a wonderful place (Montana) and we were married within four months of living in the same state! Although neither one of us were virgins when we got married, we did wait until we were married before we had sex. I believe that we have been blessed because of our obedience, and I share this to encourage all who may be in the same boat to wait. You are worth it.

Married life is not easy for me. I did not have an example of what married life should be like or even is. The step family thing does cause extra challenges, but nothing is impossible with God right! There are things I do not understand everything about the Bible — like what it says about family. I am honest with those around me and with God. I know that He can defend Himself and I can ask all the questions I want. I do not know why hard things have to happen in life. What I do know is that God is there and He loves me enough to send His one and only Son to die for my sins.

-- Bernadette K.

A Woman's Point of View on Pornography Addiction

The road of pornography addiction is never an easy one. Pornography addiction is an embarrassing addiction, too. In my experience, pornography was a byproduct of another root addiction in my life. This applies to most people. Pornography was always something that I felt like I could keep to myself and never disclose. It was always something that was easy to hide, but I could never hide it from myself or from God. Many people in my life had influenced the thought, "It's not hurting anyone," when in fact pornography hurts everyone that you have a direct contact with in your life.

My first exposure to pornography was when I was four years old. I snuck out of my room to find out what my parents were watching. I sat between the recliner and the wall in a place where I knew that my parents couldn't find me and I watched. I later found a sexually graphic book in my father's belongings. All I had to read was the title of the book to understand the nature of it.

When my need for pornography became stronger, I realized that the more and more I allowed myself to view pornographic images, the more that those images became more explicit. I will never be able to remove those images from my memory. A movie is unrealistic, but seeing those images would challenge me to act out those scenes and some, unfortunately, I have. How dangerous that would have been if I had done all of those things.

In the past, I knew many women who openly enjoyed pornographic movies. One woman ended up being promiscuous by having a new man every night of the week, two were exotic dancers, and one had an open relationship with a married man. These four women influenced me over a period of my life and I ended friendships with each of them because of what their character represented. I didn't want to mirror them, their actions, or their situations. Again, all these experiences were a direct effect from pornography.

Over the years I have learned that women yearn to receive more respect than what is given to them in a pornographic magazine or movie. Women aren't trash. There is a lovely beauty that comes from a woman when she doesn't allow herself to be treated like a piece of meat. Every man does want a woman that obtains dignity and purity. Every man desires a woman who can respect and enjoy the natural and intended aspect of sex. There is a pure sex that happens in a heterosexual relationship in a marriage. It's not necessary for a married couple to watch pornography. It's wrong for a married couple to watch pornography because it sets up false expectations in their sexual relationship. If you are a married couple, take this into consideration. Your wife is not that woman and your husband is not that man in a pornographic movie. Don't bring in others into your bedroom. Keep your marriage sacred. You are privileged to have a mate for life. Honor and respect your commitment to them and expect them to honor and respect their commitment to you.

I now challenge myself to stay away from even being close to seeing anything that could be pornographic. I stay away from books, magazines, and movies that have anything that could even be 'soft' pornography. Companies like Abercrombie and Fitch have done a great job of sugar coating the very real. Pornography is pornography, soft or hard core. The internet is always an easy and direct highway for these images, so I have a program on my computer system that holds me accountable to not seeing images or being able search for them. Romans 12:2 says, "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is good and acceptable and perfect will of God." By accepting pornography, I would be conforming to what the world expects of me.

Addiction is something that you always deal with. You may never have a relapse, but it will always be a temptation. I think that the one thing that reminds me of why I should not be doing it is that sick to my stomach feeling that I get after I have watched or looked at images. I am reminded of the void and the loneliness that pornography causes. I see the people around me that would be affected by even that minute that I take to look at a graphic picture in a magazine or on the internet. I am also reminded that if it doesn't make me grow in my relationship with God, it separates me from Him. This is the very thing that I don't want if I am striving to live a life for Him.

I want to close by saying that I know that I am not the only woman who has dealt with pornography addiction. If you feel that you are addicted in some way to pornography, seek a Godly woman that you could approach on this sensitive subject. Contact a ministry that could suggest book resources for you to help you overcome and break this addiction. Women involved in pornography addiction have become a growing trend. Don't allow yourself to be a statistic. Had I known that pornography would consume me as much as it has, I would have taken the appropriate steps to resolve this addiction sooner. Thankfully, we serve an unconditional, thoroughly caring and loving God that will forgive us as we are. He could do the same for you if you allow Him to.

-- A member of Journey Christian Church

I was born in a Christian home. My parents were Christians. They raised me going to church. When I was about four years old it was Christmas time and I remember the Christmas candy. I was full of joy. I don't think I understood all the doctrine about Jesus but I did understand that I was made to love God. I knew that the right place for my heart to be was in communion with Him. I wanted Jesus in my life. So as I grew up I also grew in the knowledge of God. I always loved Him and I wanted to serve Him. I never knew a time when I didn't want to be with God. I never experienced an absence from God and I'm very thankful for that. I didn't have to experience a lot of things that other people have to experience to learn to love Him. I just always loved Him.

In high school I did a lot of things in order to be successful. I did well in school. I ran track and was successful in other sports. I served with Awana in my church. I also started a Bible study for other high school girls. And those were the things that other people saw and I saw all the good that I did and I didn't cause problems.

But there were other things in my life that I refused to look at. Because I was an athlete I ran around with those kind of people. I didn't follow them to parties and stuff. I was never tempted to drink or anything like that. It just didn't seem right to me. But I did fall into other traps like popularity and I did definitely seek that. I turned my back on friends I didn't think would help me climb the social ladder . . . I was not very kind to them. I didn't have compassion for people who were hurting because I had never hurt myself and I didn't understand that. When I was with friends who were sad I'd say, "Come on you guys; you need to cheer up." You know if you've ever been down - that is not what you want to hear! There was no compassion there; I was very prideful! All the things I did I was doing in my own strength and with my own power. Although I loved God and said I depended on Him, I never really depended on Him. Even when I worked hard in school and in running track, I did it in my own strength. I was pretty unrealistic about what the world was like and what I could do. I pretty much thought I could do anything, anything at all. There were no limits for me. But I am still human and God knows that I am dust . . . and He had to teach me that.

So I was pretty much setting myself up for a fall; being unrealistic about myself. My second year of college a lot of things happened at once that kind of triggered it. I was dating a guy and he broke up with me. I had never experienced rejection before. I was also living with four girls in a small house which is a lot of estrogen. I was living with my best friend which should have been good but we were too busy fighting over dishes to support each other. So I just kind of lost all contact with God. I dropped like a rock. Depression hit very suddenly and very hard to the point where I cried all day every day. And getting out of bed was the fight every day the whole semester. And I prayed "God give me the strength to get to class. I can't skip again. Give me strength." It was very hard for me because I had no idea what was going on. I thought if God loved me and I was serving Him why would he let me experience this kind of thing.

I had always known God as someone who was good and gave me joy. I had heard that he was the "Comforter." I believed that but I had never really experienced that because I had never needed comfort. And I had heard that he was the Strength and the Provider but I had never needed that because I had never needed strength. When in my agony I cried out to Him He gave me what I needed, even though sometimes I didn't feel like it. Even though it was really hard I got to know Him better. And I got to know things about me that I would never have known. I can say that I am thankful for those times and I would go through it again in a heartbeat if it let me know God better. He's that good. He's worth any pain if it helps you know him better.

I also learned after that semester that I couldn't do school any more. I moved to where my best friend and her family lived and they were a really good support for me. And I was doing something I never thought I would do - I was a youth intern. I was in full time ministry! From not being able to get out of bed and go to class I went into full time ministry with high school students. I don't know what caused me to say "yes" to that but it is the best thing I ever did! And I learned I had to stay IN CHRIST - it was not my strength. I would be crying on my way to pick up a kid. I had no choice. I had to pick them up and take them out to lunch or whatever and talk to them about their life and I knew I had no strength left. I would just cry out to God that He would give me the strength. I had to stay IN Him for Him to do that. He built my trust on what He could do for me.

To finish the depression story, I struggled with it and was on meds for a few years. Then I went to counseling . God showed me some things about myself and He has freed me from depression. Amazing! So many people prayed . Compared to how long some people suffer, I didn't suffer that long. But it seemed like forever at the time and I am so thankful that He has freed me from it!

I am now a high school math teacher. I coach cross country running and track and I work as a camp counselor. I have a burden to let people know how good God is. I want to show Christians who aren't living in the fullness of His promises how good God is. The students who come into my class every day stress me out. But I am learning that Jesus had a lot of people coming to Him every day for healing and help but He went to His knees to His Father and said "What do you have for me to do today? I will do what You have for me to do today." Learning that lesson is coming to God at the beginning of the day and saying there are a lot of things I want to do but I want to do whatever you have for me to do today and You give me the strength . Stay in Him and get His directions for the day. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." That's a verse I have heard all my life and I think I am learning that if I am acknowledging Him and trusting Him that I can trust that He will do with me what He wants to do with me and He will lead me where He wants to lead me and I do not have to be afraid that I'm missing the boat. I can trust that He will take care of me even if my heart is prone to wander and even though I fall down and miss my part of the deal He will take care of me.

Thanks for letting me share.

-- A member of Journey Christian Church

I was weak. I could go on and on about the reasons: the long work week; the previous day's 6 hours of driving the girls team to Anchorage; the poor night's sleep; the kids' races . . . many of which did not go well . . . draining for me as one of their coaches. Physically, emotionally, spiritually . . . I was getting real close to the end of what I could handle. Sure, I had tossed out the idea of running in the open race after the kids' races. Despite the fact that I had barely run in the last 2 months due to an injury, I love to race. But I was exhausted, and honestly wondering if I would be able to survive the drive back to Fairbanks. A 3.1 mile race seemed foolhardy and not very fun.

But as I pictured leaving the meet, I realized that if I left without running the race, I'd feel like I was disobeying God. This seemed a little weird to me and certainly not what I would consider conventionally wise, but I had little choice. So, with less than 10 minutes to the race and no warm up, I headed to the starting line.

As the gun went off and I started my watch I heard God say, "You won't be needing to look at that. Just run." Again, weird, but . . . whatever. Half a kilometer in I thought curiously about reasons God might have me run this race, and very clearly, I heard God say, "Because you worship me when you race, and I like that."

A kilometer in and I was already getting tired. Another kilometer . . . if God hadn't been by my side coaching me, I would not have believed I could do it, but I just kept running, finding it in me somewhere to pound the downhills. I know I'm strong on the downhills; I have speed. So I concentrated on making use of them. God must've taken over on the uphills because in retrospect I ran those very well. He knew what I could handle and took over for the rest. At any moment if I had considered how I felt or if I had thought about the distance yet to cover, I would have stopped in desperation, or at least slowed to a pace that felt safer. But I didn't think about those things; I felt that they weren't my concern. God was making me run so he could just worry about such trivialities as finishing the race.

600 meters from the finish line. There was nothing left in my body and no courage left in my heart to look for any last remnants of strength. I am pretty sure that even if I looked for it — and how difficult would that be! — I wouldn't be able to find it. I said to God, "If there's a kick in me, You're going to have to find it. I can't." and I kept running . . . and passing people, though I was barely aware of it. Physically it was agonizing. Mentally I had long since let go and just done what God said. 100 meters left and I passed 2 or 3 people in a clump. I sprinted in, following the kid I've been leapfrogging for 3 kilometers. For the first time in the race I saw the clock as it stood beside the approaching finish line. Was that time possible? I was only a minute slower than my personal best, which was run on flat roads when I was in prime condition, not on hilly trails after months without training. I ran, ran, ran . . . and then I was done; leaning on my knees, gasping for breath, spent and incredulous. The fact that I finished the race was miracle enough to me; this time seemed impossible.

As I stumbled exhausted through the finish shoot, the first coherent thought since a couple minutes into the race came to me: "Kori, this is what I can do with you if you'll just say yes. It does not matter that you have neither the strength nor the courage. All you have to do is say yes."